Archive for February, 2013

Anxiety and Nerve Medicine

Posted: February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

Anxiety for me was a wild ride. Threw me for a loop for a long time. Over the years it kept getting worse. At it’s worst the past 2 years, My doctors and I became convinced that I needed some anxiety medication to calm me down. Sounds rational. So we started small with vistaril and buspar. No help. Then pushed to benzos followed by pushing their dosage. At high doses, the pills would calm me in a sense, but it was more of a physical calming than a calming of my brain. I would get so physically relaxed that I would sleep a lot. My energy would disappear. And all the while my thoughts and emotions would still torment. me.
 
  After being diagnosed with OCD my education and insight really grew. After months of very hard work, including a suicide attempt, things in my mind started to clear and be much less confusing. I started digging my unwanted anxiety and emotions to their root. I found them all tied to this- me believing the lies and myths of OCD. As I started resisting believing OCD I started to feel the true peace inside I had always longed for. Likewise I saw that as soon as I bought in to what OCD was selling the old panic and despair would return. It became crystal clear then: I create my own anxiety and despair. Imagine the wow I said to myself as this was revealed to me.

  All the years, decades even, trapped in a pit I had created by believing lies. A pit I didn’t need to or could climb out of for it was never real. What required genuine effort was forgiving myself. See over those decades of believing I was in an inescapable pit I made horrible decisions trying to buy and make my way out of it. Unlike the pit, these decisions and their ramifications were totally real. I needed to change. Change my beliefs, change my attitudes, and change my behaviors. Doing all this, even in small steps, put me on new ground. This new ground was where I could have been standing all along. And as I walk this new path shackles and chains become loose and fall away. Amazing!

  As I continue to walk further and further away from that pit OCD entices me to come back and I get deeper insight. Only by choosing to believe the despair offered by OCD will I get back to that pit. And back to the pit quickly for with two or three choices I go headlong into despair. Seriously it would be that simple to be tormented again.

  So yeah, I create my own anxiety. I do that by choosing to believe OCD’s obsessions. And when I don’t submit to the obsessions I gain freedom from damaging compulsions. Thus the chain of obsess-despair- compulse- obsess- despair- compulse is broken. Thus my unwanted and unheathy anxiety, despair, and panic are gone. Thus my anxiety was created by my choices. Thus anxiety medicine had nothing to offer me. Thus I am healthier than ever and growing more healthy each day without it. 

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Awesome

Posted: February 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

What would you say if I told you you are awesome? Believe or reject?

Well you are. Every human is. The truth is still the truth whether we believe it or not. And in my life I’ve done both.  

I follow a pastor on twitter who says only God is awesome. That the word needs to belong to Him. I saw an interaction he had with a person who thought burritos were awesome. His response to that was, “I hope you’re holding that burrito when you behold the awesome God.” And I once had a lady look down on me because I used the word awesome as an adjective for what was not directly God in her eyes. My point is some may not like me calling us awesome.   If they were to look at where I’m coming from I believe they would see I am on the same page as them. For I whole-heartedly believe that only God is awesome. In fact God is way beyond awesome. There are simply no words suitable to describe Him. So how can I say we are awesome? Simple- We have all been created by God in His image.

That is all we need to know we are awesome. I spent years not being able to even dream I could be awesome. Now believing I am awesome is a part of the foundation to why I’m alive. Knowing you are awesome because you are made by the so more than awesome God will make your life awesome. For real. The choice is yours. Be awesome or not.

Vision

Posted: February 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

One can live without vision from sight. My eldest sister has been legally blind now for over 30 years. She is proof of that. She is able to do more than I can most days. And I have better than 20/20 eyesight.

  I believe vision is separated from sight because vision includes processing what you see not just seeing it. For example, one can take a simple look at a painting and not be impressed. Where as an art aficionado could tell you how detailed and precious it is.

  I profess life-yours and mine- can be the same way. Sometimes we under or over value others. And sometimes who we are is distorted by the brains of others and/or ourselves. True vision is so needed. I testify that lack of true vision can kill. To truly live we must have vision. As a song I love says, sometimes you gotta look closer instead of searching so hard.

A New Beginning

Posted: February 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

Yeah. A new beginning. At age 40. Hence the name of my blog. Though I’ve briefly blogged in the past this will be MY first blog and post. See I have spent most of my 40 years covered up. There are many reasons for that, but for this post allow me to focus on being uncovered and recovered for that is what’s happened to me.

About 10 months ago I attempted suicide. It was my lowest and most desperate time of a very long life. Though I did not physically die that night, I did have a death of sorts. I needed to not live any longer the way I was. I was literally going to die living that way.So when physical death did not happen I was able to start seeing that I could kill that past person and life by becoming my true self. Since that fateful evening I have been diligent and adamant about being truly alive. Irony, I had to suffocate to learn how to breathe. Yes a near death led to a yearning to live whole-heartedly.

It is that passion to thrive that led me to and through my uncovering. Like Lazarus I came out of the tomb tripping over my grave clothes and I needed brothers and sisters to loose me and let me go. And they came. Slowly but surely they came. And as they unwound my outside I was unwinding my insides. Through all this the real me was uncovered. And I found that who I really was was who I wanted to be all along, thus my being recovered.

So here I am uncovered, recovered, and discovered. This is indeed a new beginning. Life is a roller coaster. All are welcome to join my train. Two simple rules- 1. Man made security devices are prohibited. 2. Put your hands up and enjoy the ride because God has so got this.