Anxiety and Nerve Medicine

Posted: February 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

Anxiety for me was a wild ride. Threw me for a loop for a long time. Over the years it kept getting worse. At it’s worst the past 2 years, My doctors and I became convinced that I needed some anxiety medication to calm me down. Sounds rational. So we started small with vistaril and buspar. No help. Then pushed to benzos followed by pushing their dosage. At high doses, the pills would calm me in a sense, but it was more of a physical calming than a calming of my brain. I would get so physically relaxed that I would sleep a lot. My energy would disappear. And all the while my thoughts and emotions would still torment. me.
  After being diagnosed with OCD my education and insight really grew. After months of very hard work, including a suicide attempt, things in my mind started to clear and be much less confusing. I started digging my unwanted anxiety and emotions to their root. I found them all tied to this- me believing the lies and myths of OCD. As I started resisting believing OCD I started to feel the true peace inside I had always longed for. Likewise I saw that as soon as I bought in to what OCD was selling the old panic and despair would return. It became crystal clear then: I create my own anxiety and despair. Imagine the wow I said to myself as this was revealed to me.

  All the years, decades even, trapped in a pit I had created by believing lies. A pit I didn’t need to or could climb out of for it was never real. What required genuine effort was forgiving myself. See over those decades of believing I was in an inescapable pit I made horrible decisions trying to buy and make my way out of it. Unlike the pit, these decisions and their ramifications were totally real. I needed to change. Change my beliefs, change my attitudes, and change my behaviors. Doing all this, even in small steps, put me on new ground. This new ground was where I could have been standing all along. And as I walk this new path shackles and chains become loose and fall away. Amazing!

  As I continue to walk further and further away from that pit OCD entices me to come back and I get deeper insight. Only by choosing to believe the despair offered by OCD will I get back to that pit. And back to the pit quickly for with two or three choices I go headlong into despair. Seriously it would be that simple to be tormented again.

  So yeah, I create my own anxiety. I do that by choosing to believe OCD’s obsessions. And when I don’t submit to the obsessions I gain freedom from damaging compulsions. Thus the chain of obsess-despair- compulse- obsess- despair- compulse is broken. Thus my unwanted and unheathy anxiety, despair, and panic are gone. Thus my anxiety was created by my choices. Thus anxiety medicine had nothing to offer me. Thus I am healthier than ever and growing more healthy each day without it. 


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