Archive for December, 2013

Oh clarity, where has thou been?

Posted: December 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

A journal entry

Wednesday 12/11/13 @330pm:

T minus @2 1/2 hours till launch from this Tennessee hospital to Nashville greyhound. I depart at 7p and arrive mid-afternoon in Meadville tomorrow. Go God!!! He always provides.
It’s exciting to get to move forward now. Now I see illness and that I have genuine boundaries that are genuinely needed on my life. To those who say “There’s nothing wrong with you”, I say yeah right. To my illness and enemies that say “Mark you have to die because you’re so helpless, hopeless, and sick”, I also say yeah right. For where I need to be, and always have, is somewhere between those extremes.
See how I excelled in high school after getting into a special program for severe behavior handicaps my last year and a half. A great example of not all the way and not nothing.
I don’t see where I’ve ever had that middle in relationships, jobs, money, church, or really anything of substance since graduation of high school. Been no bounds or all bounds since. I guess Warren State hospital is an exception. I did stay there prolonged and did excel, though truly excel I did not. Much like the end of high school. Where there was still chaos going on while attendance and grades got great. I overcame a lot and did things well at WSH, yet it’s revealed now that there was still chaos going on there. For if you could see all that was going on for me there at WSH what has happened since my discharge. In a word- chaos.
I just watched a marriage proposal on tv. It reminds me that even with my 4 legal marriages and 3 other non-legal commitments, I never once had the resources to secure an engagement ring. Talk about the cart before the horse. Or at least building a solid future on a so shaky present as the foundation. Worse is, especially after time, I knew better. So I’m a 7 time loser there. Secured cars in my life? I’ve owned two outright. Lost about a dozen now. Places to live? Probably at least 25 changes of address. Jobs? Over 100 lost. Children? 3 lost. Broke the hearts of 3 more too. Money? 2 full bankruptcies and need a 3rd. Plus many defaults and even criminal stuff. Church? At least 7. Plus 50 hospitalizations and nearly as many failed outpatient plans. Loss, loss, loss. Some taken from me, more given up by me.
But not quitting by itself is not answer. For that keeps me locked in to bad decisions. So it’s bad choices that get me in trouble, that cause chaos. And the root of those choices is my thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts and feelings move all over the place in me. They can secure my morals but just as easily make me betray my morals. I.e. How many times have I gone on to do what I had before decided was bad or not do what I saw to be right? Just since my discharge from WSH in June the list of conflicted behavior is large. Ugh.
2 things become clear needs-
1) my thoughts and emotions need care, supervision, and help. 2) My choices and actions need care, supervision, and help. For I go astray slightly to majorly, public to hidden, whether I appear fine or not. I need special help and boundaries. On my own I am and create chaos.
That last paragraph sums up a bunch. That’s how chaos can stop, and and it’s chaos that is my enemy. Chaos that I can’t stop on my own or with the help I’ve had so far. Areas of my life have always been chaos. Never without chaos. Always taking on too much, letting go of something, wanting more, and/or wanting less. Like spinning 5 plates on sticks, I can do some well for a time but never all 5. First 1 crashes, then 2, then more and all. I.e. Me having no possessions and no home which I’m currently going through for the umpteenth time.
Since needing to leave Texas 9 days ago, I can see the desperate choices I make to try and improve things. So the more I tried to improve things there, the more chaos developed. How much different would life be if I just could’ve stood up and said “I don’t have enough money to move right now”